Those Advice from My Parent That Saved Me as a First-Time Parent

"I believe I was simply trying to survive for the first year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of being a father.

Yet the actual experience soon turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health issues during the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into becoming her chief support while also caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, each diaper… every stroll. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

Following nearly a year he reached burnout. That was when a chat with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You're not in a healthy space. You need support. How can I assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and find a way back.

His situation is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While the public is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers face.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his difficulties are part of a broader inability to open up among men, who often hold onto negative perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and stays upright with each wave."

"It's not a display of weakness to request help. I didn't do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - especially in front of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the chance to take a pause - taking a short trip abroad, away from the family home, to gain perspective.

He realised he required a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states as well as the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has changed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the language of emotion and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male guidance. Even with having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, profound trauma caused his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says suppressing emotions led him to make "bad choices" when younger to alter how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as a way out from the pain.

"You find your way to behaviours that are harmful," he says. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Tips for Managing as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a friend, your other half or a therapist about your state of mind. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like yourself before having a baby. It could be going for a run, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - nutritious food, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mind is faring.
• Connect with other new dads - hearing about their stories, the difficult parts, as well as the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Know that asking for help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the optimal method you can care for your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead give the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - processing the frustrations safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men because they acknowledged their struggles, altered how they communicate, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I said, on occasion I feel like my job is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering just as much as you are on this path."